My eyes are open now.

I see that I have let myself be influenced so easily because I was weak. I did not have a strong goal or a clear enough direction and so let myself be steered to fit somebody else's ideals. It was my fault. I kept compromising who I was.. who I am. It's become clearer and clearer and I need to find who I am again. I recently started suspecting and it became definitively clear when, after completing the Jung Personality test, I found that even my personality, the thing which defines who one is had changed. The ENTP who I was so proud to be associated with turned into an ESFP..... and the E was very weak..

I have changed. I don't know what happened to that enthusiastic, bubbly, intelligent, self assured, fun loving, spontaneous, free spirited girl. I miss her. I want her back.

My eyes are open now. I know what I want and I know how to get there.

I wonder if there is anything we can ever do without somebody whom we don't want to to find out, finding out eventually. One of the questions on an application form for the Army Reserves was "have you ever been to see a psychologist before". Now I am afraid to ever go see a psychologist just in case I have to answer one of those questions followed by a "if yes please explain".

I wonder if everybody is screwed up. If so, why does society insist on maintaining such strict rules for 'normal' when nobody really is and therefore there is no such thing. Perhaps 'normal' is the aspiration for all mediocre people and 'outstanding' is the aspiration for the successful ones.

I wonder if I will ever be the kind of successful I have always thought indisputable, and instead be mediocre. I am afraid that if I don't step up now, my life will be a series of failed attempts and missed opportunities, the highlights of which revolve around thoughts of the past what could have been.

I wonder how long I can stay here without exploding. I understand that there must be consequences and that they are not always pleasant but this doesn't seem to be temporary. Maybe I am going about it all wrong and I should reconsider my position. However, that requires clarity of mind, foresight, decision making and a certainty, all of which are in short supply at the moment.

okay. so no more quasi relationship and now there's a real relationship!

wow. It's very mature and honest and open and there is a lot of communication. eeee how exciting and scary but mostly exciting.

:)

happy. :)

Updates

• I have an iphone yay!
• exams exams exams
• In a quasi-relationship HA.
• More in control of stuffs yay
• Have red hair.. but not bright enough for my liking
• Think am getting fatter - should exercise
• Have huge trouble getting up
• Lack of urgency
• But happy :)
• Oh and awesome friends as always :)

Love Much!

Arnina