My life in words

Friday, 10 April 2009

  • Eyes wide open

    My eyes are open now.

    I see that I have let myself be influenced so easily because I was weak. I did not have a strong goal or a clear enough direction and so let myself be steered to fit somebody else's ideals. It was my fault. I kept compromising who I was.. who I am. It's become clearer and clearer and I need to find who I am again. I recently started suspecting and it became definitively clear when, after completing the Jung Personality test, I found that even my personality, the thing which defines who one is had changed. The ENTP who I was so proud to be associated with turned into an ESFP..... and the E was very weak..

    I have changed. I don't know what happened to that enthusiastic, bubbly, intelligent, self assured, fun loving, spontaneous, free spirited girl. I miss her. I want her back.

    My eyes are open now. I know what I want and I know how to get there.

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Friday, 13 March 2009

  • Privacy

    I wonder if there is anything we can ever do without somebody whom we don't want to to find out, finding out eventually. One of the questions on an application form for the Army Reserves was "have you ever been to see a psychologist before". Now I am afraid to ever go see a psychologist just in case I have to answer one of those questions followed by a "if yes please explain".

    I wonder if everybody is screwed up. If so, why does society insist on maintaining such strict rules for 'normal' when nobody really is and therefore there is no such thing. Perhaps 'normal' is the aspiration for all mediocre people and 'outstanding' is the aspiration for the successful ones.

    I wonder if I will ever be the kind of successful I have always thought indisputable, and instead be mediocre. I am afraid that if I don't step up now, my life will be a series of failed attempts and missed opportunities, the highlights of which revolve around thoughts of the past what could have been.

    I wonder how long I can stay here without exploding. I understand that there must be consequences and that they are not always pleasant but this doesn't seem to be temporary. Maybe I am going about it all wrong and I should reconsider my position. However, that requires clarity of mind, foresight, decision making and a certainty, all of which are in short supply at the moment.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Monday, 29 September 2008

  • okay. so no more quasi relationship and now there's a real relationship!

    wow. It's very mature and honest and open and there is a lot of communication. eeee how exciting and scary but mostly exciting.

     

    :)

Friday, 12 September 2008

  • Update expansion

    Blog more eh?

    Quantity for quality? Hopefully not. Maybe we can have both.. or maybe I'm just procrastinating because I so cant be bothered starting my 40% research assignment due on Monday. Hmm.

    More on the quasi relationship? Ha. Knew you were interested. It's "quasi" by my choice. And thinking about that... that's all I really want to say about it at the moment. HA.

    I'm just balancing a lot of things right now and hopefully I shan't fall over and have them all crashing down on me but I have been extremely honest and candid and hopefully everything shall be fine. However I have been withholding some information.. which I don't think is too important but will probably turn out to be so in the future.. But it's not the future and it's not important right now so why get ahead of ourselves?

    EDIT:// And where is the fine line between being friendly and leading someone on? And should you even care that much as long as your intentions are pure?

    That is all

    Should really study. :(

     

    Love Much
    xx

Sunday, 07 September 2008

  • Update

    happy. :)

    Updates

    • I have an iphone yay!
    • exams exams exams
    • In a quasi-relationship HA.
    • More in control of stuffs yay
    • Have red hair.. but not bright enough for my liking
    • Think am getting fatter - should exercise
    • Have huge trouble getting up
    • Lack of urgency
    • But happy :)
    • Oh and awesome friends as always :)

    Love Much!

    Arnina

Sunday, 03 August 2008

  • And it happens all over again..

    I swing from feeling ultra happy, in control and excited about life to being confused and overwhelmed.

    I thought ENTP's were supposed to be emotionally stable.

    Does that mean I'm not an ENTP? If that's true then I will be ultra depressed. I really like being an ENPT >.>

    And of course I am in control of everything and I determine what I feel and I decide where I want to be right now. And if you're somewhere else, then that's where you have to be right now. But that has nothing to do with where I am at. And if I let myself get involved with you, then I will be dragged to where you're at. Instead I choose not to get involved. Except... is that what I really want?

    Okay so we don't get unlimited opportunities. But is that me saying that you don't get unlimited opportunities with me? Or is that the universe saying that I wont get unlimited opportunities with him?

    And what happened to not seeing you're ex's again because you must have broken up for a reason. And since people don't change why waste more time?

    And already I can see the patterns reemerging. The way it feels. The anticipation. The anxiety. The tension. The relief. And then all over again. Except if it were really real, and if it were really good and wholesome and loving and affectionate and intimate.. then I wouldn't feel that way right.

    I suppose he could never treat me the way I deserve to be treated. And he will never make me feel the security, love and acceptance that one would think to be associated with relationship of the intimate kind. He is much too emotionally immature. So I suppose this is it. :)

    Which is brilliant. But then.. what of our friendship? It's never that simple.. but I'm sure it will work out.

    Much love

    Arnina
    xx

Thursday, 03 July 2008

  • Friends

    He said to me: You're one of the coolest people I know. You remind me of how nice people can be.

    She said to me: You're so awesome, I can't believe you're my friend.

     

    So I mustn't been that horrible right? :)

     

    But you must understand I'm only like that around people I like. I tend to dismiss other people all too readily though.. people I don't deem interesting enough or cool enough to be worthy of my attention. I really need to work on that because I think that some people really don't like being dismissed. >.>

     

    One more thing. "You don't have to change friends if you understand that friends change". I don't know if you read this anymore. I don't know if you still care. I don't know if this can still be fixed or if you want it to be fixed. But I just came back for ASIA camp and I remembered how much fun we had. I remembered how close we were and how it's such a shame to let that go. I think that maybe we could try again.. but would understand if you don't want to. Maybe we could get to know each other again and appreciate how we have changed and still maybe be friends. Maybe?

Sunday, 29 June 2008

  • images

    Why do people care so much what other people think?

    1. My friend thinks that she's not pretty enough and it doesn't seem to matter that her boyfriend likes her for who she is and thinks she's beautiful because she wants to be pretty to everyone. But, what some people would give to be beautiful to just one.

    2. Had an awesome night last night with awesome people and just the right amount of alcohol. I was at the 'I love everybody' stage and kissing everyone on the cheek. I also danced. A lot. However, not skankily at all with all boys but one. Girls however, that's a different story. =p I had heaps of fun, but when I left the clubs, some guy said 'Arnina.. what happened? Who weren't you with tonight?'. Which was quite ironic considering who was saying it. But the strange thing was I cared. For a split second. Until I realised that I didn't give a shit what he, or anybody else who I didn't really care for, thought. I had heaps of fun. I upheld my morals. I didn't do anything I regret. And I really needed to go out, have some fun, look and feel hot and dance the night away for once because it has been an awfully long time since last that happened. And I deserve it after all that studying and hair cutting. =p

    3. However, when it comes down to people you do care about, you really do care what they think. I wonder, if he's always there for me, loves me no matter what, thinks I'm beautiful no matter lack of hair or makeup or clothing, and who knows me and who I can tell anything to and who wants to go out with me.. if I should not just turn around and accept it. I have no idea. And I'm being extremely unfair to him by not making up my  mind. But at least I am not leading him on. And at least I have not told him I have not made up my mind and simply tell him no. But then my actions contradict my words. =(

  • Visit azn_gurl_27's Xanga Site
    • Name: azn_gurl_27
    • Country: Australia
    • Metro: Perth
    • Birthday: 12/27/1989
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 5/27/2004

About Me

  • I blab in my entries.. a lot. but sometimes it's intresting blab =)

Pulse

Chatboard (6)

  • xXProstituteXx
    Nice page :)
  • azn_gurl_27
    hellooooooo. ain't my new page pretty? :)
  • nofa1r
    neat. i like how the chatboard is linked to the blog page.
    • Posted 5/30/2007 1:35 AM
    • by nofa1r
  • azn_gurl_27
    welcome to my new page - do you need a xanga account to post in chatboard?
  • lc_zuppy
    lalala..hmm ur page is weird now. there's no comment box..and the "menus" are so tiny. this was the only place i could find to randomly type stuff... =S
  • azn_gurl_27
    i wonder what this does...?